With A Name Like Smucker’s You’ve Got To Be Sad

April 2, 2013


Such a bummer about the Boycott.

Now I’m stuck with the Ralph’s brand of strawberry jam for the kid’s pb&j. I think it’s disgusting. They do, too. I find their sandwiches peeled apart with just the peanut butter side eaten.

Smucker’s Simply Fruit: no sugar, no artificial sweeteners, tastes like strawberries.

Ralph’s brand tastes like pectin. It has the texture of ham fat, and somehow, the manufacturer managed to make it stickier than other jam. Any other jam.

But, I wrote Smucker’s an email saying I was boycotting them because they gave thousands of dollars ($555,000) to defeat Prop 37—that would make GMO labeling mandatory in California.

So now I grieve for my favorite jam, as I stand alone in the grocery aisle, with “Simply Strawberry” staring me in the face as I reach for the Ralph’s brand – the only no-garbage jam on the shelf according to the ingredients list. Pectin isn’t bad for you. But without enough strawberries… pectin just doesn’t taste good by itself, otherwise there would be a pectin-only jam that people would be wild for. But no.

I’m so mad at Smucker’s for doing this to me.

Before you start saying that I brought this on myself, let me just add that these same big companies use healthier ingredients in duplicate products in Europe – because it is ILLEGAL to put the shit found in US food in their food.

Coke and Pepsi changed their caramel coloring formula just in California, because their caramel coloring gives people cancer, and they were threatened with having to put warning labels on their cans that are similar to cigarette warnings. (YES, drinking Coke/Pepsi is as bad for you as smoking.) Do you think they changed their formula in all 50 states because they found out their caramel coloring gives you cancer? No. Only in California.

So the next time you think a big company cares about you, and your well-being, and therefore they will just “regulate themselves” when they find out shit, go into the grocery store and read some ingredients lists.

Every time you see “Yellow 5,” “Yellow 6,” “Red 40” “Sodium Nitrate,” “Sodium Nitrite,” “Laurel Sulfate,” “PEG 80,” etc., etc., etc., please know that these companies don’t care if you live or die.

On another note, did you know that crude oil used to be given as medicine? The dose was one teaspoon, three times a day. Yum, yum.


Big Soda and the “Nanny” State

June 18, 2012


“Soda Noir,” by Owen Smith

New York City is banning super-sized soda pop, and suddenly, everybody’s a critic – of healthy initiatives!

Never mind that pop rots your teeth*, your bones**, and that the caramel coloring will give you cancer ***– drink lots, and give it to your babies!

Speaking of babies, we’re the babies! Government is regulating our every move as if we’re children, and the government is the “Nanny.”

Well, not really. Once upon a time, people railed against seat belt laws, and helmet laws, and not being able to smoke anywhere they pleased.

No one wants to get diabetes; or for their parents to get it; or for their kids to get it. I remember hiding my father’s cigarettes, hoping he’d quit. When I was six, my friend was thrown during a relatively minor fender-bender. But because he was small and light, and it was before seat belt laws or special seats for kids, his head connected with the windshield. In high school, a girl lost her two front teeth going too fast, and hitting an unpainted speed bump. Needless to say, her face wouldn’t have smacked the dashboard had she been strapped in.

Soda pop isn’t outlawed. It’s just really clear now that it’s really bad for your body.

In California, the state was going to make Coke and Pepsi put cancer warnings on their cans and bottles, but the companies decided to change the chemical ingredients in the caramel coloring instead – isn’t that a good thing?

People hate it when their poison of choice gets regulated. They’re addicted. They want it. They’re pissed when the cigarettes are found in the freezer, and thaw wet and kind of unsmokable.

But you can’t really get mad at someone for wanting to save your life. The government isn’t the “Nanny.” The government is like your educated kid, who wants you to live to see them grow up.


*There is a science experiment that children used to do in first grade: put a tooth in some Coke, and in a week, the darn thing is completely dissolved. (I used to think this was an urban myth, until my mother told me her class did it.)

** Phosphoric acid can be good when it’s not an additive, like it is in soda. Too much phosphoric acid in your body leaches the calcium out of your bones, and contributes to kidney disease.

*** Cancer: see paragraph seven.