Some F*cking Guy At Warner Bros. Wondering What Shooting of 12 Means For Ticket Sales

This is a spoof from The Onion, “The World’s Finest News Source”

LOS ANGELES—According to sources, some soulless fucking piece of shit at Warner Bros. is wondering how last night’s tragic shooting of 12 people at a screening of Dark Knight Rises will affect ticket sales for the blockbuster film. “God, I hope this doesn’t ruin our shot at the opening weekend box office record,” said the unimaginable asshole, noting that the cold-blooded murder of a dozen innocent people could deter moviegoers from seeing the film with friends throughout the weekend. “At least the international numbers will still be very strong. We can take comfort in that.” At press time, the oily, subhuman son of a bitch was reassuring coworkers the movie would definitely still finish number one in North American box office receipts for 2012.

***

Sadly, there’s a “real” story about Batman, that the LA Times has been building up and hammering for days on end:

Batman & Spiderman Rumored to Go Head To Head In China

Hollywood Studio Execs are freaking out that China may schedule the two superhero movies to open on the same day (Aug 30). Gasp!

Right now, Warner Bros. (Batman) is only complaining to the LA Times anonymously; and Sony (Spiderman) has no comment. Pow!

People at China Film, the government-run movie distributor, have no official comment on the release date either. In fact, as of yet, they say there is no release date. Oof!

Unnamed people at Warner Bros. told the LA Times that they may refuse to release Batman at all in China – the world’s second largest movie market.

Stop the madness, Warner Bros., with your petty non-news stories. Unfortunately, what’s happening in your marketing meetings probably looks a lot like The Onion story.

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